Reflection of Grace

Carrying and birthing a baby, though it happens all the time – all around the world, is one of the most transformative, miraculous, and dangerous things our bodies can go through. The amount of strength required of us to sustain life, the risks we face along the way, and the resilience we show until carrying it to completion is so far beyond what words can adequately express.

In April, I was diagnosed with a left tubal ectopic pregnancy. I quickly went from being pregnant, to managing a non-viable and life-threatening pregnancy, to urgently needing emergency surgery after an unexpected rupture caused internal bleeding.  

As I blindly navigated this unfamiliar journey, relying heavily on my fertility specialist, my entire perception of the mind and body changed. There is a mental and physical strength it takes to walk this fine line of grief, hope and understanding, all while your body is working overtime in an attempt to sustain life that is simply not viable and will inevitably be ending.

Despite this, I still trust my body. I do not feel for a moment that my body failed me. It’s quite the opposite, actually. I have never been prouder of my body – it provided me the signs, symptoms, and awareness that led me to the closest ER, and ultimately saved my life, after a down-trending hCG had me believing I was out of the woods.  

I feel that it is very important to note that everything I could have possibly needed for my diagnosis and treatment was accessible within our medical system. Everyone treated me with the utmost respect and dignity, always acting in the best interest of me, the mother. I was on the timeline required of a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. Decisions had to be made quickly, and not a single person that I fell under the care of hesitated.

The ectopic process is painfully extensive and in between ultrasounds, labs, chemotherapy injections, and ER visits, you have to ask yourself some really difficult questions. I will forever be grateful for my specialist, who so graciously made himself available at all hours, the medical staff at Texas Women’s who spent weeks managing my care, and Houston Methodist who had me in an OR within 1 hour of confirming the rupture.

As a mama, you hold onto hope until the LAST possible moment. Even when my specialist, who I love dearly and trust wholeheartedly, confirmed implantation in the wrong spot, and assured me there was nothing we could do, I wanted to imagine that I could beat the odds. I wanted to believe this baby would just miraculously roll into the right place. But, in this situation, we know that is simply not possible.

As I look back on this experience, I have an overwhelming sense of peace that can ONLY come from God. There is just truly no other explanation for it. His peace surpasses all understanding. I needed strength and courage far beyond what I could muster from within, and he provided me with that. I whole-heartedly believe God uses the gift of time to give us the gift of perspective. He so graciously used this experience and gave me this new perspective on the miracle of conception, the courage of motherhood, and a deepened appreciation for the little girl he entrusted to me and Andrew. I continue to cling to the truth that some of the most profound things that the Lord has done in my life, have come from moments where I was mentally and physically uncomfortable – continuously preparing my heart for something deeper. Thank you, God.

So many factors must align just perfectly in an incredibly vulnerable environment to get to the sacred moment between a woman, a pregnancy test and God. It wasn’t until I saw surgical imaging after my rupture that I really understood the truth in this. Our bodies have stretch marks, and scars that tell a story of all we endured to bring life into this world and I pray this encourages you to embrace the beauty in that – the beauty in YOU! From the moment you see two pink lines – you begin altering your life, and preparing space in your heart, and its admirable beyond what is seen by the world. If you have experienced loss in any capacity, I hope you remember that each loss is as unique as your circumstances, and my sincere hope is that you learn to re-trust your body. It is a vessel – a testament to your strength and resilience and the goodness of God. I deeply pray you are so proud of it and treat it as such. My heart walks alongside yours.

I don’t know what the future holds, and I dont know what it will look like when we finally get to meet this baby, but I know I long for the day!

I knew very little about ectopic pregnancies going into this. I have a wonderful specialist who helped me navigate day by day. But, I had to research, find resources, ask questions, and ultimately be my own biggest advocate. I would have easily felt lost in the system, otherwise. So, if you have any specific questions about my personal experience that may help you naviagate your own, it would bring me the greatest joy to walk alongside you in whatever capacity you feel comfortable.